The Food Critic
by Golurker
Summary: Everyone is excited when a famous food critic announces a contest!


The light of the setting sun shone in through the window of Uncle Jam's bakery. Uncle Jam and Batako were finishing cleaning up after a long day of baking bread, and Anpanman had just arrived home from a day out patrolling. A colorful flyer from the day's mail he brought in caught Batako's attention.

"Uncle Jam, look at this! This flyer says that a famous food critic is coming to town… and that he's hosting a big food contest and that anyone is allowed to enter!"

Uncle Jam laughed and looked over the flyer. "Yes, I've heard this food critic's name before. This will certainly be exciting."

"You two should enter the contest!" said Anpanman. "Everyone always says they love what you bake. And even if you don't win it could be fun!"

"Well, we'll see," said Uncle Jam. "If we do, we'll have to be sure to bake our very best!"

* * *

About a week later, the festival grounds where packed with a tremendous crowd. Dozens of dozens of stalls were lined up all over, the smells of the many foods mingling in the air. Many people had come from miles away to enter the food critic's contest.

Uncle Jam and Batako had a small stall of their own, where they had displayed several kinds of bread. Currypanman had his own stall nearby where he was stirring a big pot of curry. Shokupanman had also come, although he hadn't entered himself.

"Just take in that wonderful smell," Currypanman boasted. "No one else stands a chance! My curry is definitely going to win. I hope they don't all start crying when they lose!"

Shokupanman looked into the pot Currypanman was stirring. "There's a lot of people entering this contest, Currypanman. I've seen some really impressive things while I was walking around. I'm not sure if your curry is going to really stand out next to everything else here."

"Excuse me, what did you just say."

"Plus you've made this batch a lot spicier than usual. That probably wasn't a good idea…"

"Not everyone likes the same stupid bland tastes you do!"

"And didn't some of this come out of your mouth?"

"The curry inside my head is perfectly fine and iS HIGH QUALITY-"

"The brownish hue and lumpiness makes it look kind of like-"

"YOU SHUT YOUR TERRIBLE FACE-HOLE AND GET OUT OF MY SIGHT THIS INSTANT"

"I'm just saying, there's a chance you might not win."

"No OnE AsKeD fOR yOuR oPiNiOn!"

* * *

Over in the judges tent, a mustached fellow with a wig and thick glasses sat chuckling to himself. His assistant, also wearing a wig and thick glasses, stood beside him with a big grin on her face.

"Dokinchan, this is the most genius plan I've had, which is saying a lot as I am so amazing. By impersonating this famous fancy man, we've managed to get so many fools to just give us their food! A giant feast! I might not even be able to eat everything! And they're all doing this just for a little praise and a plastic trophy!"

"It is pretty genius, Baikinman, but we've got to make sure it's foolproof. It can't blow up in our faces like your ideas usually do."

"It's not my fault things go wrong! It's because of that Anpanman and his goody-goody friends always getting in the way! This time, we'll be careful they don't know it's us. We'll just eat and eat, pretending to judge the food, and as soon as we're full we'll leave without any announcement. Because there's such a big crowd, it will be a few minutes before they realize we're missing and we'll be long gone by then."

The two germs grinned maliciously at each other and giggled.

* * *

"Welcome, everyone, to the great food contest!" announced Mikeman on his microphone. As soon as he had heard that there was going to be a big event, he insisted on becoming the announcer for it. Baikinman (who was in his disguise at the time) had no real reason to say no, and if someone other than him or Dokinchan were announcing it would be easier for them to sneak away later.

"The rules are very simple. Our esteemed food critic and his assistant will come by each stall and sample what each cook has to offer. Based on the foods appearance, quality and taste, they will deliberate and announce the first place, second place, and third place winners! It's recommended that all the entrants stay at their stalls and wait for the food critic to judge them before going to look at other peoples entries. With that said, the contest will start now!"

Baikinman and Dokinchan emerged from the judges tent and made their way down the rows of stalls. Sushi, soba, pizza, cake, pudding, they devoured everything rapidly, offering the chef only very short unhelpful comments about whether they liked it. They slowed down only a moment at Currypanman's stall, where the spiciness of his curry caused them to breathe actual flames and the stall caught fire- they left Currypanman wailing in despair as he spat curry onto it to try to put it out. After a little less than an hour of going on like this, they started feeling sluggish and full.

"It's hard to believe, but I actually can't eat anymore!" Baikinman groaned. "Even the thought of eating makes my stomache hurt."

"Same," said Dokinchan. "Perhaps now is the time we should make our escape."

Baikinman and Dokinchan started sneaking off to the bushes where they hid their UFO vehicles, when Mikeman approached them.

"Hello, judges! Do you have any commentary on how the contest is going so far? Is there anyone who stands out as a clear winner?"

Baikinman just started running away, leaving Dokinchan to deal with him.

"Ah… well…" said Dokinchan, not sure what to say. They hadn't really been keeping track of whose food they liked best because they didn't plan to actually announce any winners. But now she had to think of something fast to get rid of him. "We've um, already decided on, the, uh, first place winner and it'sssss… Shokupanman…"

"What? Shokupanman? Are you sure?" Mikeman looked down at the entrants list he had been carrying around with him. "I don't recall him being on this list or seeing him having a stall… But if you say he di- where did you go?" Dokinchan had run off to the bushes where Baikinman was waiting while Mikeman was looking away, and the two of them tossed their disguises to the ground and flew off without anyone noticing.

"Everyone, the winner of the contest has been decided." Mikeman's slightly doubtful voice was heard throughout the festival grounds. "Please gather in front of the judges tent to hear the results!"

Everyone was full of confusion as they left their stalls.

"Could they really have finished tasting everything so quickly?"

"Maybe they were really impressed by someone and ended it early?"

"But they didn't try any of my food yet! That's not fair!"

* * *

At the tent Mikeman stood fidgeting awkwardly as people asked for explanations and to see the judges. "Well, everyone, the judges have told me the first place winner but I didn't get a chance to ask about second and third place before they um, sort of, disappeared."

"WHAAAT!"

"Why would they do that?"

Mikeman shrugged slowly and started sweating. "Anyway, well, the winner and recipient of this lovely plastic trophy is… Shokupanman…"

Shokupanman made an extremely uncomfortable face as beside him Currypanman started screaming. "HE DIDN'T EVEN ENTER THE CONTEST!"

"Ah… I thought so…" Mikeman looked at the ground, wishing there was a hole he could crawl into. "But that's um, I'm just repeating what the judges said…"

Shokupanman came up to the tent while the crowd erupted with confusion and anger. He took the trophy and microphone from Mikeman, who ran off covering his face.

"Everyone, I'm just as confused about this as you are! I only wanted to be a spectator today, and I have no idea how this happened. I don't feel I should accept this, so as the supposed 'winner' of this trophy, I'd like to instead give it to…"

"ME! GIVE IT TO MEEE!"

"…Uncle Jam and Batako!"

Currypanman started screaming, but he and everyone else still agreed that Uncle Jam and Batako were probably the most deserving, considering they were who created the hero everyone loved.


End file.
